Footballs, Fancy Houses, and… Farms? The Bizarre World of Joe Burrow’s Horse Farm (Send Help)
[Sound of bottle rolling on floor] Whoops. Is this thing… hello? Are we recording? Whatever.
Houses That Make Me Want to Live in a Cave
Okay, so… Joe Burrow. Football guy. Throws things. Got a house. No, not a house. A… a… what’s bigger than a house? A planet? Joe Burrow’s house Cincinnati is like… if houses could eat other houses. It’d eat my house for breakfast. And probably not even notice. Seven point… something million dollars. I can’t even count that high. I sold a house last week with a fancy doorbell. Thought I was so cool. Doorbell. Ha! Bet Burrow’s doorbell plays the national anthem. Or… or horse noises. Do horses make noise? I’m too poor to know.
Apparently Football Players Moonlight as Farmers Now?
It’s a Joe Burrow horse ranch. A HORSE RANCH. Why? WHY? Does he ride them to games? Is that allowed? I have so many questions. And zero answers. Story of my life. I’d tell you Joe Burrow’s house address but… [hiccup] I don’t actually know it. It’s probably something like “1 Awesome Life Lane, Whereville, Better-Than-You State.”
Living Small (Because That’s All I Can Afford)
You know, I showed a place in [long pause, sound of snoring, then sudden gasp] …Wha? Oh yeah. Showed a place in gated community Leawood KS. Thought it was fancy. It had a pool. A POOL. Burrow probably has an ocean. With whales. Rich people whales.
Maybe I Should… I Don’t Know… Give Up?
[Sound of forehead repeatedly hitting desk] Ow. Ow. Ow. Why am I doing this? Maybe I should learn to… throw balls. Or ride horses. Or… or… be a horse. Can I be a horse on Joe Burrow horse farm? Is that a job? I need a new career. Or a nap. Or… or a rich football player to buy me a horse farm. Is that a dating app? “Desperate Realtor Seeks Quarterback for Horse-Based Lifestyle.” Swipe right for desperation! If anyone needs me, I’ll be… where will I be? Who am I? What is real estate? What is reality? Is this all a simulation? Am I in the Matrix? Is Joe Burrow the One? I need sleep. Or coffee. Or to wake up and realize this was all a weird dream brought on by too many late-night property listings and not enough actual success. [Long silence, then sudden snort] Huh? What? Did I miss a showing? Is it Tuesday? Who’s president? Where are my pants? …Is this thing still on? How do I turn it off? Is there an app for that? Maybe I’ll just… [Unintelligible mumbling fades to silence]
